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Press it on your tongue, the pain I am suffering. [18 Dec 2006|07:33pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Hrm. So today was my last full day of school till January 3rd...or something.
I don't have to go to school tomorrow because I am exempt from my classes tomorrow.
I only have to go for an hour on Wednesday to take my English exam...who would have guessed...me, having a 78 in English? HAHA.
Anyhow...it's been like 3 weeks almost since my car wreck...still havnt gotten my car fixed. My dad got the police report, which was totally wrong in many ways...alot of wrong notations...but w/e. My dad contacted the insurance company, yada yada...hopefully I can get my car fixed before Christmas. If not..I'ma cry ._.
Meh.
So, nothing really else is new.
Christmas isnt going to be the same this year, though.
My sister wont be home for it.
:[
It saddens me.
My first christmas without my sister here.
Bleh.
Seems like things are getting worse as I get older.
I miss being 15, when everything was close to perfect.
Had my sister, had my friends, had a life...
So...yeah...hum. Whatever.

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Birthday Disaster [13 Dec 2006|11:47pm]
[ mood | blank ]

So...my birthday sucked.
I was in a car wreck...
First one ever.
._.
My car is undriveable...
Sadly...
I'm making due by driving my moms truck n such.
But still sucked.
'Happy Birthday, here's a car wreck.'
-_-;;
Wasn't even my fault,
Someone swirved into my lane on the hwy...smashed my front end.
Makes me sad ._.

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A Treat To An Early Birthday. [19 Nov 2006|02:26pm]
[ mood | okay ]

So...my birthday is coming up.
December 3rd. Mmm.
And well, I told my mom I wanted my lip pierced for my birthday.
So, she said okay.
Well...we went over the weekend.
She said we was treating me to an early birthday gift.
I was happy.
Got it done, and it looks great.
Alittle sore, but that's expected.
Mhmm :]
I'm quite content.
I have people that love it and people that hate it.
-shrugs- It's what I wanted, they can get over it.
._. If anything, they should know I'm not your average teen.

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Humm.. [12 Nov 2006|06:28pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Well...I was just thinking about this site not too long ago.
Was looking at another site with html codes and whatnot in it...saw it had codes for LJ.
So, decided...I might go look at LJ again.
Logged in.
Figured that an update wouldn't hurt.
We'll see.

Well...for the past few months things have been rocky...what else is new?
Parents are still the same hardasses that they've always been...
Sister is still married to my cousin and living in North Carolina.
School is school.
I'm...not myself.
I've changed.
Alot.
I have a new life style.
New friends...and some old ones too. :]
New outlook on life.
Alot of new.
Alot of bad too.
Some of the bad things that have happened are...
Well, I've given up on love till I'm outta highschool...maybe past college.
I've lost my bestfriend due to arugments with her New bestfriend.
I've lost touch with alot of other friends, ones that I enjoyed having as friends.
School just isn't school anymore...I don't have the desire to attend school much anymore.
[But I still go, don't worry]
That kinda sums it up.
Umm..some good things.
I've made alot of new friends lately...and mended a few broken friendships.
[Still working on mending others too...just don't know when the right time is]
I've made myself happy with a few physical changes.
I've dyed my hair multiple colors...
I'm getting my lip pierced next weekend.
I'm getting another tattoo, sometime.
I dress how I want now, without caring what other people are going to say.
I express myself freely via loud shouting in public, song writing, and poetry.
I realised that I've wasted almost 17 years of my life doing nothing, so might as well have fun while I waste the next 60.
That reminds me...my birthday is coming up, exactly 3 weeks from today [December 3rd]
Hope that's fun for me...yeah.
Umm...anything else...can't really think of...
So many things...so little memory.






And yeah...I still enjoy photography...more than anything, besides making music.

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[06 Sep 2006|08:36pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Basically...I'm just going to copy and paste things from my Myspace journal...add some here, take some away there...ect ect.

Though, in beginning.
I'll say a few things.
My life has been up and down...
And back around.
Just a rollercoaster.

We'll start with Sunday, March 26th.

This is my entry.

Omfg. That's all I can say right now...oh em ef gee.
I just had the best day of my life. I got to spend from 7:30 in the morning till 6:08 at night with Keithness. Everything was so great, his brothers weren't annoying, his parents were sweet, his dog &cat were adorable. I can't get over it. Everything went so smoothly...until I had to leave.
First off, I got up at like 4:30 just cause I couldn't sleep. So, I got a shower and got dressed/ready...and just sat around until my daddy got ready. (My dad dropped me off cause he was headed that way anyways) So yeah...finally around 6:18 we get on the road. We had to meet one of my dad's friend somewhere, and then we got back on the road toward Alabaster. Finally, we get in the city limits, and it takes no time till we're within the cluster of cozy houses and loopy streets. Take a left here, right here, left here, do a circle(maybe not, but oh well lol) then we finally get there...I'm like "omfggg." and like I get outta the truck and just kinda stare at the house...waiting for my daddy to get outta the truck. I kinda slowly make my way to the door and like I open the screen/glass door and go to knock on the wood door and my daddy stops me "Ring the bell..." I turn around and look at him and kinda give him a disgusted look and say "No...people are sleeping." So..I knock casually. Then the door knob kinda turns and like...my heart skips a beat and I almost wanna run away...but the door opens and I see a sleepy headed Keith standing in the doorway. I smile almost instantly, cause he's in his sweatpants (which he says are like most comfy, so I take his word for it) and looks just so cute and tired, cause it is like 7:15 in the morning. So my daddy says goodbye and I come inside. We kinda walk upstairs and stand in the hall, he kinda introduces me to his brother and his brothers friend, then his dad comes down the hall and he introduces me to him. (His mum is still yet to be seen) So we kinda just stand there talking to his dad for a second...then kinda just walk down the stairs. We stand/sit there kinda arguing about what to do and what there is to do at 7 something in the morning. Finally we decide to watch a movie, Darkness Falls, and so yeah...we kinda cuddle through the movie, it's really nice. Then we are yet again, faced with the arguing of what to do...we decide on going to the Galleria. So, we get our shoes on and go. We end up walking around through the stores looking for random things, and Keith bought a movie in Suncoast, The Nightmare Before Christmas. The BEST F'N movie EVER! Hehe. Anyways, yeah...so we end up leaving the mall. And we go to Subway. Then we go back to his house and like end up sorta watching another movie called Grind, it seemed really cool...though didn't get to watch it all or even paid much attention to it. So yeah, I might have to like rewatch it sometime. But anyways....that's about it. Then like when Mr. Jon was taking me home...I gave something really special to Keith, and I hope he enjoys it, and will take care of it for me. Then when we finally met my mum, I was all sad...cause I had to leave...-whines- and I'm still sad, cause it sucks. I wanna like go back...or spend more time there...or something...Bleh...oh well. Time goes on, and souls survive.

Yes...I had a boyfriend. Our relationship started this exact day, March 26, 2006.

Les' continue.

Sunday, June 17th.

It's 1:45 in the morning
I think I'm on the verge of a
nervous breakdown.
My hands are shaking.
My skin is chilling.
I can't stop rocking back and forth.
I'm balling my eyes out.
My body is trembling.
My thoughts are the worst.
All because I ended a conversation on a sour note.
A simple word...okay.
Not goodbye...
Not goodnight...
But okay.
I'm such a fucking screw-up.
I should have been more sensative.
I shouldn't be so selfish.
I shouldn't be so...me.
Such a fucking screw-up.
I can't stop the tears.
Cause I think I've messed up.
I might have pushed too hard.
I can't sleep.
I'm not worthy of sleep right now.
I feel so vile...
And unworthy of anything.
I'm not sure what to think anymore.
My thoughts are of that stupid word.
Okay.
Why am I so fucking stupid.
I don't understand.
Why do I have to be me?
If I wasn't me.
Everything would be alot better.
Alot nicer.
Alot less emotional.
I'm sorry for everything.
I'm sorry about tonight.
I'm def. sorry about arguing.
I let my stress run my life.
I'm sorry.

Yes...we began to have problems.

Now for, June 21st.

Sometimes all you need is a slap in the face to realise you're not dreaming.
A nice reality check.
That's what I needed.
That's what I wanted.
That's what I got.
There is no sense in making a big deal about things anymore.
It just makes them worse.
I've found that out the hard way.
Of course.
I paid for my jealousy.
And my tendency to take things to the extreme.
And I've learned that if you love something, you have to let that something be free.
If you want something forever.
You can't keep it bottled up inside, cause sooner or later the pressure will build and it'll break free from your grasp and you won't have any control over it anymore.
Love it enough to let it be free.
That's what I have learned.
It's hard.
But it's worth it.
In the end, there is nothing but smiling faces.
And maybe that something/someone will realise that perhaps you've got a new outlook on life and aren't are pushing about things.
And they'll think to themselves, there is no more reason to pull away.
Because the more you force something, the more it's going to pull away from you.
It's a push and pull battle, choose your side.
Push and be pushed back.
Or push and pull alittle and gain respect.
A relationship needs commitment, communication, and contact.
The 3 C's of love.
Without those things, it's not worth it.
I have commitment.
I make the best of contact.
I strive for communication...
But it takes two to tango.
Perhaps if I want something done.
I'll do it myself.
Without bringing force into the matter.
But without force.
What if nothing works?
Who knows.
I suppose I'll just have to find out.
Give alittle or give alot.
My choice.
Or his.
I love him enough to let him be free.
But sometimes freedom can be abused.
Everytime the phone rings.
A smile tugs at my lips.
Only to be plowed down by something else.
Not what I expected.
Continue to want.
Continue to long.
How long does one person have to wait?
7 hours...already?
And I'm sure more to come.
It's one thing to have patients.
It's another to run short on it.
-Sigh-
But, what's a girl to do?
Not many choices when love is involved.
True love.
Love takes time...I suppose, I'll wait.

Yet more problems. It's hard to trust someone when they break promises and spend 12 hours a day with someone they had feelings for once.

Hrm...August 3rd.

So...
It's over.
That's right.
Keith called it quits.
Of course...
I don't understand his reason.
But if we didn't have the serious relationship that we had...then it would make sense.
Breaking up with someone cause of distance.
Yeah...not being able to see them often...sure.
But...love defeats all.
If you love someone enough.
You'd find it deep down inside your heart to overlook the faults that come with the relationship.
A lasting relationship is one that comes with ups and downs, a lasting bond in a relationship comes with the couple taking what comes at them and working through it.
I guess some guys just can't.
Sure..
I feel like total crap.
And I think things are never gunna be good again.
But...I suppose they might.
Or might not.
No one knows.
And when you love someone like I loved Keith.
It leans more toward the might not.
After alittle over 4 months of nothing but trying to make someone happy, and loving them as much as you possibily can, giving them everything they want...it's hard to get over it.
I uno.
I need some support if I want to get over this painlessly.
Help a girl out?

And, Keith.
If you read this.
I still love you.
More now than perhaps before.
You've shown me what true love was.
And shown me how it feels to have that torn away.
Thanks for the best 4 months of my life.
I love you still.
Even if you don't love me.
I'll always be here for you.
You've hurt me of course.
But..I think I've forgiven the fact.
No sense in getting over emotion about something like this.
It's life...
Just like I told you.
I'll just have to learn to get over it.
And live with it.
Hopefully we can see each other sometime.
That's if you wanted to.
I still need to retrieve my necklace from you, and the ring.
And I'll be giving the lotion and keychains back to you.
Do what you want with them...
I want to push everything I know of you, besides our friendship away...in hopes of getting over this within a years time.
But...like you say...whatever.

It ended...I realised exactly what it felt like to have your heart torn out and stamped on. It wasn't the greatest thing in the world either.

The very next day, August 4th.

Okay so...
I've totally been an emotional bomb shell.
I can't do anything without balling my eyes out.
Everything reminds me of Keith.
Today at band camp.
If someone hugged me,
It reminded me of when Keith hugged me.
If someone told me it'll be okay,
It reminded me of when Keith would tell me it would be okay.
Everytime I cry and I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks,
It reminds me of when I used to cry infront of Keith and he'd catch every tear on the tip of his fingers and tell me that he loved me and everything would be find.
I feel so empty.
Like I've lost everything.
My world.
Like I have nothing to live for now.
It seems like when he ended it.
He took everything from me.
The sight from my eyes.
The smell from my nose.
The taste from my tongue.
The sound from my ears.
The breath from my lungs.
The hunger from my stomach.
The kiss from my lips.
The hugs from my arms.
The innocence from my soul.
I have nothing left.
My happiness went with him.
He was my happiness.
I've been thinking.
He said he couldn't love me if he only could see me on the weekends.
What he didn't realise is that I am/was willing to see him during the week too.
I wouldn't care what my parents said.
If anything...I'd see him everyday.
I wouldn't care about money.
I wouldn't care about time.
All I care about is him.
And he didn't realise that.
I hope he will.
I told him a thousand times that I was willing to spend every penny I had every minute of my time just to see him.
I just wish he would have thought about that.
Or at least have tried working it out.
When love is envolved...
You should do anything.
Maybe he never really loved me that way I thought he did.
I dunno...
I don't guess I'll ever know.
He told me last night that we can't go out anymore.
Does that mean forever?
Maybe there is a second chance...
I know in life there is no second chances..
But..I need one.
I dunno how I'm gunna go on with my life...
It's so hard.
You have something you love one minute.
The next...it's gone.
And you're left with doubts, thoughts, regrets.
Left with nothing but sorrow.
My mom told me that all guys are dogs.
And that girls are their chew toys.
That's how I feel.
Chewed on and spit back out.
I've given so much to him.
I was sitting in the colorguard room today.
Me, Caroline, Tatelyn, and Brin calculated about how much money I spent on Keith, whether it was gas or just the smallest of things.
It's around $2,000.
That I've spent on him in just 4 months.
Can you believe that?
That's around $1,000 in 2 months.
It almost came off as ridiculous.
But...I suppose...it was worth it.
I loved him enough to spend $2,000 and 4 months of my life commited to him.
Not even given the fact that I've had car problems, and that adds even more money on that $2,000.
'Cause without a car...
I wouldn't have gotten to see him at all.
So...that's just...I uno.
Occasionally today..
I would sit there
[I didn't have to do anything at camp today cause I was too emotional to do anything, everytime I picked up a flag it reminded me of when me and Keith were joking around in the yard with my flags, which made me cry even more]
Sitting there...I would just retrace every memory with him.
Right up till the last night I saw his face.
Sunday night.
I miss that night soo much.
I miss him.
I miss him soo much.
It feels so weird saying I'm single.
Cause I know my heart says otherwise.
My heart still is with him.
My heart still loves him.
It still wants to hug him.
It still wants to kiss him.
It still wants to call him mine.
I don't know what I'm going to do...
I've got nothing...
Nothing but my tears.

As it continues, August 7th.

Last night.
I had a nice conversation with Lauren.
[Keith's ex from Ohio]
She explained to me how she felt.
It was almost like talking to myself.
We agreed on so much.
I found myself reading some of her old blogs today.
Blogs about her and Keith.
Blogs about when he broke up with her.
It made me cry.
To know that someone else went through what I am right now.
No one deserves that.
And I come online today.
Checked my myspace.
And come to see that Jeffye is Keith's #1.
My heart literally hit the floor.
It made me think about things.
What if the real reason Keith broke up with me was for her.
They had hung out alot lately.
I know what kind of person she is.
She never liked me.
Even before I met Keith.
Me and Jeffye had our tifts.
When I saw her placed before his best friend.
The place I was just barely a week ago.
It made me feel like he lied to me.
Maybe he thought it'd be better if I didn't know that he was having feelings for her again.
I dunno...
They're not together..at least as far as I know.
But they're spending an awful lot of time together.
[My friend asked him if they were planning on getting back together and his responce was 'I dunno...how am I suppose to know those kinda things']
It almost makes me wish that she'd screw him over again.
Prove to him that he lost a great thing with me just to go after nothing with her.
There are so many things I could say about her..
But it wouldn't help.
Nothing could help how I feel right now.
It seems like he grew tired of me.
I told his best friend, Ryan before that I was scared that Keith would spend too much time with Lianne and he'd eventually start liking her.
I guess I spent all my time worrying about Lianne that I was blind to worrying about Jeffye.
I almost feel stupid.
Infact.
I do feel stupid.
Even though I was almost to the point of getting over things.
After today...
It's all coming back.
Back to it all.
Back to the crying.
Back to the regrets.
Back to everything.
There really is no reason for anyone to hurt anyone else like that.
You don't play around with words.
The words 'I Love You.'
Are NEVER ment to be toyed with.
You don't say them and not mean it forever.
'I Love You' is meant to last forever.
If you don't want it forever.
Then you shouldn't say it.
You shouldn't even bother with it.
At all.
It's just toying with other peoples hearts.
Cause what if the person you say it to really loves you?
If you don't love them.
How is that going to make them feel in the end?
It's just not right.
I don't care how much thought you have about loving someone.
You can't just think you love them.
That just leads to you using them.
[Which me and Lauren both agreed on last night]
Everyone can tell when they're really in love.
When it's true love.
A heart tells no lies.
I just wish Keith would have realised that.
Instead of just thinking or admitting he loved me.
He should have known it.
His heart would have told him.
Everytime I asked him about what his heart was saying.
He'd say he didn't know.
He couldn't look me in the face and tell me he wanted to be with me forever.
If a guy can't do that.
Then he's not worth it.
I've come to find that out.
If you can't spend a few hours having a sweet conversation with a guy about how you feel about him and him tell you how he feels about you.
Then something is missing.
I wish I would of had that with Keith.
He could never sit with me and just talk about how he felt.
I suppose I was blinded by the love I had for him and didn't realise what was happening to me.
A lesson well learned....
I just wish I would have learned it sooner.
A broken heart does no good.
It barely beats.
It barely supplies blood to the body.
If it's not mended quickly...
Surely it'll die...

August 20th rolls around and I offically hate Keith Edward Hobbs with the firey passion from the depths of my heart.

Now for other things.
I am currently in school.
School started August 10th.
It's been going nice.
With the exception of these other things above.
I'm not currently dating anyone.
Though, me and someone are talking currently.
I'm not sure where it's going.
We're just friends for now.
My family is just about the same.
My sister lives in North Carolina now, and she is married.
She's happy.
Her poetry book was a real hit around here.
She sold many copies.
[Anyone interested in a copy, lemme know.]
My parents are the same people as they have always been.
Nothing really has changed...just the fact that my love life has been torn apart and sewn back together slowly.
If anyone wishes to contact me about things, or just wants to talk. My aim is Colormepurplex2, my email is still the same [throwawyuridols@aol.com] and welp...that's about it.

Cheers.

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A light at the end of the tunnel. [14 Apr 2006|02:21pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Sad attempts I've made lately trying to talk to old friends...Heh...I suppose that's fine though. Mending that past is harder than climbing the hightest moutain.

Sorrowful nights, long days...only to be graced by a new perfection. A new best friend, a new soul mate, a new special light in my life. It's not a relationship, it's something deeper. A best friend...someone to rely on....though, it's still not the same.

Just another something that my hopes can get high for, best friends...sometimes dissapear. Slip right from your finger tips...I'm hoping that wont happen again.

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...Dead to the world, aren't I? [11 Feb 2006|07:47pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Yet again, I'm not sure why I even talk on this...it's almost pointless. But then again, there are a few people on here that read this...so yeah, no point in not letting those people know what's going on lately.

I got a job, finally. It's not the greatest thing, but it gives me money. I got my license and a car...some of you already know that though. I'm actaully taking on many many multiple responsibilities...but that's apart of growing up, right?

I got a new cell phone...if anyone wants the number, just ask me.

Not much else to talk about or to tell people..so yeah...I'm gunna go.

-silence seals my lips, until next time-

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New Beginnings...Or Endings. [06 Feb 2006|09:05pm]
[ mood | numb ]

I don't know where to start.......things have been so rough lately. I feel dead to everything. I'm in love, yet I feel empty...I'm empty because I feel loved. I've had a life altering last 2 months. I lost some of my closest friends, my sister, and my sanity.

Shadows taunt me, pictures laugh at me. I've cried everyday for almost two months now. I feel so pitiful. My life is in the gutters, and I'm too full of myself to get out.

I've lost friends...that hurt me the most. People make mistakes...and people get over them...or do they? I don't know what to do. I'm so lonely everyday. No one talks to me anymore outside of school. My internet life is shot to hell, and I feel worthless to people who I used to love and were the best of friends with...I'm not sure if people even care anymore. If I killed myself tomorrow...would anyone notice that faint cry in the night isn't there anymore, that girl that sits in the corner alone isn't there anymore, or that half faded smile isn't there anymore? I wonder...though, not tempted...much. I just wonder. I feel so cold without friends, so unwanted, so oblivious to the world. It's my own fault...and I've paid the price with tears and blood...when will it end?
 
I lost my sister recently too....that hit me hard, it was unexpected and unwanted. I don't want to expose this part of my personal life over this journal...if you're concerned or care...you can ask me, I'm always on aim...if you don't oh well...it's okay.

My family is going to hell again....great fun. I feel like I'm fighting demons everyday, and they're winning. The pain is great and it wont stop. I've done so much, but only half of it releives the pain for only a second. I ache from inside, and I cry out...no one hears me. I'm dead to world it seems. My life is meaningless...and I'm not sure why I keep going on. Someone wants me, and loves me...I love them and want them back. But it's so screwed up...I'm starting to think maybe it's not worth it...the pain. I don't care anymore...or I wish I couldn't. It screams at me everyday..."You're such a damned fool!! You're going to burn in hell!" I want it to go away. But I don't want to lose it all again...or more of it than before.

The many tears I've cried...the drops of blood that have dripped...is it all worth it? I ask myself these questions, and the answers are never there...I want only to drown in my sorrows and pain, to never bring pain to anyone else ever again, to leave and never come back...to make everyone happy again. If it wasn't for me...some people wouldn't have gone through pain, and I wouldn't mess up everything.

It's all my fault!
 
 
I can't forgive myself for it either, it's too great of a deal to let it go. Cherish today...savor tomorrow. I am loved...I am greatful...I am dead, dead to the world. Only one person sees me, only one person feels for me, only one person cares for me...I wish there were more.

I lost my life once...was happy in the beginning, then had my life ripped right from my body...only to be shoved back again only 5 days later...it's not the same as before, once you mess up something it can't be perfect again....I learned that the hard way. I suppose I'm remotely happy...but my dreams still haunt me...I don't want to make mistakes anymore...I need help. I'm falling apart peice by peice, and I don't know what to do anymore...

The blade of a knife, seems more friendly than life. Life is so unfair, it's so hard...and it's so lonely sometimes.

I don't want to be lonely...wait...I'm not lonely...I don't want to be something I'm not. I'm loved.

Me and Jacob are doing fine...we've had our rough times...when things seemed hopeless. We're okay now, but the boat is still rocking with slight uneasiness. Prom is coming up...I'm attending it with him...it's going to be an experiance that I wont forget. He's going to college in the fall....I'm not sure how I'm going to last...my life seems to be only falling apart more....he's my puddy that holds my building blocks together...I'll fall apart even more without him...what am I to do?

Seems more endless hours of crying are ahead....I'll pour like the rain outside....only to drown in my own sorrows.
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It's another day. [22 Nov 2005|10:05pm]
[ mood | content ]

Today at school...it was the most horrible of things. My Geometry teacher made me CRY! Can you believe it...it was so bad. Here is what went down, since I don't feel like typing it all out, I'm going to copy and paste.

Like, okay, today we took this horrible trig. test and like everyone did bad on it, the highest grade was a 60. And before we went to lunch while he was grading the tests he pointed me out and was talking about how I put decimal answers instead of square roots. So, when we got back form lunch he passed out the tests, then he sat down and was complaining about the grades. He points me out again, using me a example about how poor we've done. He goes over the 2nd problem, he's explaining how it goes and what you need for it, half way through explaining it, he looks up at me and asked me "So, Ms. Pruitt, do you understand what I just said?" I replied with "Not really.." So he was like, well since you don't know how to do this, and you didn't ask me about it, I might just take these tests up and give ya'll the grades you've made and take away retakes! I was like...omg...he looked at a girl in our class, Rachel and asked her "So, Ms. Chapman, do you have anything you'd like to say to Leah?" She looked back at me and was like "Umm, next time just ask him a question." Then he was like, there wont be a next time she just should ask! So I was like "Umm..We-" He cut me off and was like "That's it, she refuses to ask, so pass up the papers!" By that time everyones eyes were on me...my eyes filled with tears...though I fought hard to not just bust out sobbing...that would have been embarrasing. So, he took up the tests and sat at his desk, a few moments before the bell rang he was like "okay, when I call your name come get your test, if the bell rings remain seated until you get your test." He called everyone up and the bell had rang after he got the 4th paper out, I was the last person to be sitting, though my paper was 6th in the stack. He sat there for a second, finally I was like fuck it, so I stood up and grabbed my books and was about to walk out, when he said "Ms. Pruitt, we seem to have a communication problem between us, sit down and let's talk about it." So...I sat down, threw my books on the floor...my cheeks were wet already of course, cause I had the feeling I was about to get lectured. He sat at his desk, casually speaking and went on and on about how I'm not outspoken in class. I told him and explained to him that I was brought up to keep my mouth shut, or else i'd get in trouble and I was taught to deal with things on my own, not ask people for help. My parents were never there for me to ask them for help, and if I did they never gave me any. So, he was like "I understand that, but still Ms. Pruitt you need to be more open. I can understand that the way you've been brought up is going to stand in the way of how you act out in class, but you have got to be more open to me, you've got to ask questions if you need to know something."
The conversation went on for about like...30 minutes (all the while, I'm suppose to be in band class...) I'm sitting in my desk sobbing and he's talking to me, finally...I calm down and he's finishes talking to me. I felt like dirt cause he got mad at me and got EVERYONE else in my class mad at me for not speaking my mind, when USUALLY when someone speaks their mind they get in trouble for it. Oh well...come Monday I'm going to start yelling at him if he yells at me.

Other than that I got to stay after school today to attend a wrestling class match. They didn't wrestle another school, just each other to see who gets first string when actual matches come. It was cool. A few of my friends are on the wrestling team, such as Nick, Seth, Gilbert, Drew, Carl, and Benjamin. They're all really good, specially Seth, he's awesome. He's a itty bitty little buy though, an 8th grader. He's in the 90lb weight class. But he's awesome, he can kick some ass! Lol.

When I got home, worked some things out for my brithday party. Not much else has gone on...just normal stuff. Tomorrow though, I might not be on that much cause like I'm suppose to be going to my grandma's to help cook for Thursday. It's a shame, so much food, some of it needs to be cooked a day early. Lol.

Havn't really talked to anyone today...no one's really been on. Though, had an unexpected surprise sign on by a friend. It was great to hear from him. He said he'd start getting on more often to see how things are, I'm really happy for that. It's a highlight of my day, since it's been so bleh. ^^ Well, that's about all...

Till next time -bows-...See ya!

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[08 Nov 2005|04:36pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Wow, it's been a while. I guess after my parents big arguement I neglected everything. EVERYTHING.;*;~ Anyways, not much has been...well, I take that back alot has been going on, and I'm stuck in the MIDDLE! UGH;;~ My friends are fighting left and right all over the place, and it's just not fair cause I'm right in the middle of everything. It hurts because I'm both sides friends and I don't like choosing between the two and if I did, it might make matters worse. And I just don't know what to do sometimes...-sigh- Torn between two things that you care so much about, it's just not fair. Friendships at school are slowly dwendling and suffering cause of petty things...friendships online are the same...it never ends. It's an endless cycle of things that is slowly sending my life to hell. Though, things are getting better at home and with my family. Things are just getting worse elsewhere. My parents are doing okay, they hardly talk but when they do it's mutual reasons and words. Me and my sister are getting along better, we're both getting into poetry readings every Sunday night at a small place in Montgomery called Soul Food. This up coming Sunday will be my first time reading. I'm excited. ^^ Well...if there is anything else I think of later, I'll be sure to add it here.

Until next time -bows-...See ya.

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Watching out the window... [17 Sep 2005|03:35pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

My mom...is leaving. To where I don't know, she asked me to go with her, well she told me
"Leelee, make a decision, do you wanna go with me or do you want to spend time with your sister?" "Where are you goin' mumma?" "I don't know, somewhere besides here..." "Well, tell me where and I'll decide." "Anywhere but here!!" "I don't know...."
What is happening to my life...? When will the pain end, I can't choose between my family...

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[07 Sep 2005|05:23pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Okay, now something finally came to mind. I've realised I'm loved, by all my friends. You're probably asking, "You just NOW realised that?!" NO >.> I'm not that dumb. I've just now wanted to say it. Though, I'm sure everyone knows I am, I felt the need to say it. Just for my own good.
Do you love me?! I :HEART: YOU! -hugs to all my friends for loving me so dearly as they do-
Lonely am I no more...well, maybe just a little. I need a hug...a real one...to feel an embrase, not just see the words...My friends irl don't hug me enough. I NEED A HUG! Someone come visit me and give me a hug? =P
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The pain...wishing it would end? [04 Sep 2005|07:02pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

My mind ticks in an endless blurr...one noise wakes my senses, another numbs them all. Where is the end? Where is the beginning? When does it end? When did it begin? My thoughts run together like the water in a river. Rushing and splashing over those hard places like rocks. Rushing fast and not stopping until the end is reached...it's over...no. It's not over, the pain continues, the ticks are louder. Your words are heavy stones, cast into my river of emotion disturbing the peacful waters.
The river branches off, from one emotion to another, the roughest of all...the one that everyone disturbes is that of love. The river is red from tears shed of blood. Thick endless deep puddles of red. Splash into one, and never find the bottom...torn from it's place, my heart is at the bottom...can you reach the bottom? Can you mend the holes that the red river flows from? Patch my heart and maybe you can call it yours...are you willing?

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[31 Jul 2005|02:09am]
[ mood | bored ]

Egh...today was tiring. I'm practically falling asleep as I type this...it's 2:00 in the morning x_x I found out today that ryan's step-dad is as horrible as he seems...-sigh- oh well. I found some cute icons...one -points to icon now- is that...the other will be used for another entry of course...heh...yeah. I'm not sure exactly what to say right now...I'm all bleh and tired, and practically falling over right now...
I'll probably add more to this when I wake up some odd hours later...today. Yeah...I think I just might...-pauses entry to go to bed.- I shall finish later.

And later it is. HII! I'm back for more in my life. I got enough sleep, for once. I didn't wake up all tired and gloomy. Though, it's almost 4:00 and I've not eaten all day, my stomach is screaming x_x Oh well, I'll be okay. Now...hmm, I've started band camp...Thursday was my first day, it's hell at school, literally. I'm sunburned, sore and annoyed. I'll survive...hopefully x_x We're running everyday, and it's hell...seriously. Please pray for me, that I'll make it outta band camp without ripping someones head off and chewing them out. Heh. Okay hmm...on to other things...Not really much other than band camp going on. Life in general sucks...that's about all...Heh, how nice.

My mum is making cookies right now...my stomach is screaming even more, why does she torture me so? -bounces in chair- I want cookies!! >< Arg. Oh well...hmm, so -rests elbows on desk, staring you in the eyes- tell me about your life (in a comment of course) ^_^ I'm interested.

A while back I took the picture of my little sister from where it was knocked over on the counter, beside the family Bible....I took it because it was knocked over, seeming my parents didn't care. Today, almost a week since I took it and put it in my room...my mum confronts me about taking it. I told her I did and the reason...she has a disgusted look on her face and told me that I was wrong for thinking that and that I should be the sorry one for taking the picture and not telling her. My mum needs to get over herself...-sigh- I guess you can't change the heart of something hard as stone.

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Nothing [14 Jun 2005|06:09pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I've nothing to say...nothing at all...Nope not a word...Nothing...Nodda...Nothing at all...Can't think of a word...Not one word...Just not one...Not a single word...Nope...Not even now...Nope...

WAIT!

Now, I know...I'm bored, someone talk to me...please...I'm bored, just please...anything!

Nothing still...nope, my mind is blank again...Hmm...though I'm still bored now...again...even more...lots more...mhmm...help.

HELP. I need friends...I need talkative people to annoy me and talk to me all the time and not stop...c'mon!!! Help....nothing anymore, nope...not a thing...help.

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-nothing- [10 Jun 2005|08:32pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Today was the viewing for my Nana...so peaceful...she rested upon the pillow in the silk gown...mourning eyes pooled before her...tears fell, voices whispered...My memory will haunt me, to the next day something like this happens...I've such a big family, it'd seem like losing someone wouldn't be that bad...I beg to differ.

If I may...I'll quote the newspaper(obituaries):

""-insert last name here- Mrs. Emma Claudia, age 86, a resident of -my home town-, Alabama died Wednesday. June 8, 2005. -Funeral imformation-
-insert last name here- is survived by four daughters and son-in-laws, -my great aunts and uncles names, and my Mawmaw and Poppy- one son and daughter-in-law -names here- ; nineteen grandchildren; thirty-five great grandchildren; and two great great grandchildren. -Her name- was preceded in death by her husband -my great grandpa's name- a daughter -my great aunts name- and a son -my great uncles name-. -The rest finishs out with funeral information-.""

A simple family as such given a description above gathered today in a small funeral home in Wetumpka...we all sat around and talked about what great times my Nana preceived for us. We talked about her highly obsessed ways over Cats and Coffee mugs. She had over 17 cats, and a entire collection of over 2,000 coffee mugs from all over the world. We discussed her many attitude fits and her ways in which she'd argue and laugh with us just to make us smile. Spending time at her house, multiple spend the night parties with me my sister and my 2 cousins, and the "boys across the street", playing kick-ball in her backyard...Big Tom(her favorite cat) asleep on the chair in the living room, that faint fragrance from her multiple perfumes...such memories will be forever remembered as she lays to rest in Interment Christ Cemetery.

""I love you Nana, may you rest in peace. God Bless.""

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I'm not sure... [09 Jun 2005|05:03pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Not sure really why I'm writting in here...though I only got 2 comments on the whole entry before this one, I think those two changed my mind in deleting this. I do have some things I needa get off my chest, thankfully I thought before I decided to put them in here, as to not say anything that would upset anyone...though what I do needa say could upset people in a matter.

As some of you have come to know, I've had a passing in my family. My greatgrandmother, which ya'll know as my Nana. Early Wednesday morning she passed away and I'm sure now she is in a better place. As for those who didn't know, you know now...and the fact that she is gone now, and that I adored her in multiple ways, I'm not much of a talker now...sorta for that reason and a few others which I so choose not to speak of.

Sad news in the heart of my family...no less that 3 weeks ago, my sisters two cats had kittens, 11 in all....Wonderful beautiful little things...I was just informed that at 5:14 on thursday, the 9th of June...the last kitten died. The reason is unknown...but that's 11 cats in less than a week and a half. They were pronounced anemic..but we treated that...so it's a mystery now.

But oh well, alas I will survive. My life aint all that bad, I still got my friends. I :heart: you all. -big hugs-

""Hang in there little buddy, we're almost there. It'll all be over soon.
-talking to icon-""

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To do it or not...I dunno. [06 Jun 2005|05:22pm]
[ mood | curious ]

I've come across the assumption that my LJ holds to much or says to little on some subjects. I've thought about it and in hopes that it would make it better, I've thought about deleteing my LJ account, only to better it for some other people. I don't want to do it and regret it...like I've come to do everything else lately. I want some opinions on this, do YOU  think it's a good idea for me to do this? Please express it honestly, with a simple straight forward yes or no. Either way, I just wanna know if it'd be better for you to not know everything that happens in my life, whether it brings you joy or sadness. I'm doing this for my own good, and for those I care about. Whether I keep my emotions bottled up or express them on here, I'm leaving that up to YOU. For now, I'm just not going to update or put anything else in my LJ...I don't see a need in it right now. Just leave a comment or IM me, which ever way you so choose.

-Bows- Till "next time??"...See ya?

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Umm...Right. [05 Jun 2005|05:47pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Today has been pretty good! I had to get up this morning at 9:30 cause we were going to my poppy's house for lunch/a cook out and stuff. Was nice cause I havn't seen my Mawmaw or my Poppy since Christmas. I stayed there until about 1:45 or so, then my sister and me went home, my parents stayed there. When I got home, I was suppose to like vacuum the floors, but that didn't happen until like at 5:30. But when I got home, I was concerned cause a friend called, and I missed the call...he actually called twice...so yeah, I was like okay, so I got on the computer to see if he was on and it's all good now, he was just wondering where I was, since I wasn't on the computer yet, when I usually am. I've not really done much besides that, I have comfirmed the girlfriend thing with his friend...his friend got details on their first kiss and everything, I was like "aww...his first kiss...how sweet" then his friend told me it wasn't his first...just their first for that couple, but eh, when me and James were together he told me he never kissed anyone before, that made me highly pissed off...cause it's one thing to lie to me about having another girlfriend...but to lie to me when I'm going out with you...that's not cool...cause its just not right, ugh...I've grown to dislike him very much, hate is such a nasty word, even he don't deserve it...though I'm sure pretty soon he will...cause never before has so much drama erupted in a relationship of mine, so it's highly annoying and really upsetting...not sure really why I keep talking about it since it's so upsetting, I guess I just can't get over the fact that he always told me he loved me and said I ment the world to him and everything a girl could want to hear from a guys mouth...and now I'm finding that it all was an act, or a truth at first but now it ment nothing and I mean nothing now...I just don't know...I'm bout ready to give up on him...he still acts like he wants to be with me...though when I broke up with him he repeated the same thing over and over :
""if you truely arent happy with me......I dont want you with me.....if I hurt you...then please.....go.....I only want you happy and loved""
So yeah, it made me wonder if he was actually wanting to make his way outta it, trying to get by the easy way, wanting me to end it and leave him...so he wont have to hurt me, well he's hurt me enough, so I broke up with him...maybe he'll hurt now and feel my pain...I know it may sound mean and not like me but I think he should pay for this...all of this. Maybe the grace of God will be willing to pay him back...a simple something, maybe his new girlfriend will break up with him or find another guy and play him like he did me...nothing to evil...just something simple. I feel so hateful right now...kinda like a bad person...but I can't help the way my feelings are right now I guess...kinda just putting everything I want to say to him or do to him through my words. but I think that's enough for now...just to let all know, I'm dealing with this fine, I just need to have some comfort and encouragement and support from you all...<3 love.

-bows- till next time...see ya!

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Eh...more in the life of me...Drama [04 Jun 2005|09:12pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Okay...so it's offical...me and James are over...though I dunno...I need time to think about everything before I try and do something else with my heart...I'm not sure if what I put in that other entry is all true, but I know his friend wouldn't lie to me about it...but I talked to James today about breaking up and how I feel...I didn't mention anything about his friend telling me I just put out the idea of him having someone else...he denied it and told me he still loved me...though I don't really know now, I just told him to give me some time...I'll recheck with his friend and get the facts...and try to piece it together. I'm not sure what to think right now...I'm confused and my heart hurts really bad...I'm like ugh...I dunno...I'm confused that's all...I thought about giving up on love cause I've screwed up my love life so much...but I know there is nothing but pain to come from that. I'm not sure...all I can do right now is ask support from my friends. I love you all...that's about all my heart feels right now -hugs tight for joo all, kisses multiple cheeks and foreheads- I love ya'll soo much!!!

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