Basically...I'm just going to copy and paste things from my Myspace journal...add some here, take some away there...ect ect.
Though, in beginning.
I'll say a few things.
My life has been up and down...
And back around.
Just a rollercoaster.
We'll start with Sunday, March 26th.
This is my entry.
Omfg. That's all I can say right now...oh em ef gee.
I just had the best day of my life. I got to spend from 7:30 in the morning till 6:08 at night with Keithness. Everything was so great, his brothers weren't annoying, his parents were sweet, his dog &cat were adorable. I can't get over it. Everything went so smoothly...until I had to leave.
First off, I got up at like 4:30 just cause I couldn't sleep. So, I got a shower and got dressed/ready...and just sat around until my daddy got ready. (My dad dropped me off cause he was headed that way anyways) So yeah...finally around 6:18 we get on the road. We had to meet one of my dad's friend somewhere, and then we got back on the road toward Alabaster. Finally, we get in the city limits, and it takes no time till we're within the cluster of cozy houses and loopy streets. Take a left here, right here, left here, do a circle(maybe not, but oh well lol) then we finally get there...I'm like "omfggg." and like I get outta the truck and just kinda stare at the house...waiting for my daddy to get outta the truck. I kinda slowly make my way to the door and like I open the screen/glass door and go to knock on the wood door and my daddy stops me "Ring the bell..." I turn around and look at him and kinda give him a disgusted look and say "No...people are sleeping." So..I knock casually. Then the door knob kinda turns and like...my heart skips a beat and I almost wanna run away...but the door opens and I see a sleepy headed Keith standing in the doorway. I smile almost instantly, cause he's in his sweatpants (which he says are like most comfy, so I take his word for it) and looks just so cute and tired, cause it is like 7:15 in the morning. So my daddy says goodbye and I come inside. We kinda walk upstairs and stand in the hall, he kinda introduces me to his brother and his brothers friend, then his dad comes down the hall and he introduces me to him. (His mum is still yet to be seen) So we kinda just stand there talking to his dad for a second...then kinda just walk down the stairs. We stand/sit there kinda arguing about what to do and what there is to do at 7 something in the morning. Finally we decide to watch a movie, Darkness Falls, and so yeah...we kinda cuddle through the movie, it's really nice. Then we are yet again, faced with the arguing of what to do...we decide on going to the Galleria. So, we get our shoes on and go. We end up walking around through the stores looking for random things, and Keith bought a movie in Suncoast, The Nightmare Before Christmas. The BEST F'N movie EVER! Hehe. Anyways, yeah...so we end up leaving the mall. And we go to Subway. Then we go back to his house and like end up sorta watching another movie called Grind, it seemed really cool...though didn't get to watch it all or even paid much attention to it. So yeah, I might have to like rewatch it sometime. But anyways....that's about it. Then like when Mr. Jon was taking me home...I gave something really special to Keith, and I hope he enjoys it, and will take care of it for me. Then when we finally met my mum, I was all sad...cause I had to leave...-whines- and I'm still sad, cause it sucks. I wanna like go back...or spend more time there...or something...Bleh...oh well. Time goes on, and souls survive.
Yes...I had a boyfriend. Our relationship started this exact day, March 26, 2006.
Sunday, June 17th.
It's 1:45 in the morning
I think I'm on the verge of a
My hands are shaking.
My skin is chilling.
I can't stop rocking back and forth.
I'm balling my eyes out.
My body is trembling.
My thoughts are the worst.
All because I ended a conversation on a sour note.
A simple word...okay.
I'm such a fucking screw-up.
I should have been more sensative.
I shouldn't be so selfish.
I shouldn't be so...me.
Such a fucking screw-up.
I can't stop the tears.
Cause I think I've messed up.
I might have pushed too hard.
I can't sleep.
I'm not worthy of sleep right now.
I feel so vile...
And unworthy of anything.
I'm not sure what to think anymore.
My thoughts are of that stupid word.
Why am I so fucking stupid.
I don't understand.
Why do I have to be me?
If I wasn't me.
Everything would be alot better.
Alot less emotional.
I'm sorry for everything.
I'm sorry about tonight.
I'm def. sorry about arguing.
I let my stress run my life.
Yes...we began to have problems.
Now for, June 21st.
Sometimes all you need is a slap in the face to realise you're not dreaming.
A nice reality check.
That's what I needed.
That's what I wanted.
That's what I got.
There is no sense in making a big deal about things anymore.
It just makes them worse.
I've found that out the hard way.
I paid for my jealousy.
And my tendency to take things to the extreme.
And I've learned that if you love something, you have to let that something be free.
If you want something forever.
You can't keep it bottled up inside, cause sooner or later the pressure will build and it'll break free from your grasp and you won't have any control over it anymore.
Love it enough to let it be free.
That's what I have learned.
But it's worth it.
In the end, there is nothing but smiling faces.
And maybe that something/someone will realise that perhaps you've got a new outlook on life and aren't are pushing about things.
And they'll think to themselves, there is no more reason to pull away.
Because the more you force something, the more it's going to pull away from you.
It's a push and pull battle, choose your side.
Push and be pushed back.
Or push and pull alittle and gain respect.
A relationship needs commitment, communication, and contact.
The 3 C's of love.
Without those things, it's not worth it.
I have commitment.
I make the best of contact.
I strive for communication...
But it takes two to tango.
Perhaps if I want something done.
I'll do it myself.
Without bringing force into the matter.
But without force.
What if nothing works?
I suppose I'll just have to find out.
Give alittle or give alot.
I love him enough to let him be free.
But sometimes freedom can be abused.
Everytime the phone rings.
A smile tugs at my lips.
Only to be plowed down by something else.
Not what I expected.
Continue to want.
Continue to long.
How long does one person have to wait?
And I'm sure more to come.
It's one thing to have patients.
It's another to run short on it.
But, what's a girl to do?
Not many choices when love is involved.
Love takes time...I suppose, I'll wait.
Yet more problems. It's hard to trust someone when they break promises and spend 12 hours a day with someone they had feelings for once.
Keith called it quits.
I don't understand his reason.
But if we didn't have the serious relationship that we had...then it would make sense.
Breaking up with someone cause of distance.
Yeah...not being able to see them often...sure.
But...love defeats all.
If you love someone enough.
You'd find it deep down inside your heart to overlook the faults that come with the relationship.
A lasting relationship is one that comes with ups and downs, a lasting bond in a relationship comes with the couple taking what comes at them and working through it.
I guess some guys just can't.
I feel like total crap.
And I think things are never gunna be good again.
But...I suppose they might.
Or might not.
No one knows.
And when you love someone like I loved Keith.
It leans more toward the might not.
After alittle over 4 months of nothing but trying to make someone happy, and loving them as much as you possibily can, giving them everything they want...it's hard to get over it.
I need some support if I want to get over this painlessly.
Help a girl out?
If you read this.
I still love you.
More now than perhaps before.
You've shown me what true love was.
And shown me how it feels to have that torn away.
Thanks for the best 4 months of my life.
I love you still.
Even if you don't love me.
I'll always be here for you.
You've hurt me of course.
But..I think I've forgiven the fact.
No sense in getting over emotion about something like this.
Just like I told you.
I'll just have to learn to get over it.
And live with it.
Hopefully we can see each other sometime.
That's if you wanted to.
I still need to retrieve my necklace from you, and the ring.
And I'll be giving the lotion and keychains back to you.
Do what you want with them...
I want to push everything I know of you, besides our friendship away...in hopes of getting over this within a years time.
But...like you say...whatever.
It ended...I realised exactly what it felt like to have your heart torn out and stamped on. It wasn't the greatest thing in the world either.
The very next day, August 4th.
I've totally been an emotional bomb shell.
I can't do anything without balling my eyes out.
Everything reminds me of Keith.
Today at band camp.
If someone hugged me,
It reminded me of when Keith hugged me.
If someone told me it'll be okay,
It reminded me of when Keith would tell me it would be okay.
Everytime I cry and I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks,
It reminds me of when I used to cry infront of Keith and he'd catch every tear on the tip of his fingers and tell me that he loved me and everything would be find.
I feel so empty.
Like I've lost everything.
Like I have nothing to live for now.
It seems like when he ended it.
He took everything from me.
The sight from my eyes.
The smell from my nose.
The taste from my tongue.
The sound from my ears.
The breath from my lungs.
The hunger from my stomach.
The kiss from my lips.
The hugs from my arms.
The innocence from my soul.
I have nothing left.
My happiness went with him.
He was my happiness.
I've been thinking.
He said he couldn't love me if he only could see me on the weekends.
What he didn't realise is that I am/was willing to see him during the week too.
I wouldn't care what my parents said.
If anything...I'd see him everyday.
I wouldn't care about money.
I wouldn't care about time.
All I care about is him.
And he didn't realise that.
I hope he will.
I told him a thousand times that I was willing to spend every penny I had every minute of my time just to see him.
I just wish he would have thought about that.
Or at least have tried working it out.
When love is envolved...
You should do anything.
Maybe he never really loved me that way I thought he did.
I don't guess I'll ever know.
He told me last night that we can't go out anymore.
Does that mean forever?
Maybe there is a second chance...
I know in life there is no second chances..
But..I need one.
I dunno how I'm gunna go on with my life...
It's so hard.
You have something you love one minute.
The next...it's gone.
And you're left with doubts, thoughts, regrets.
Left with nothing but sorrow.
My mom told me that all guys are dogs.
And that girls are their chew toys.
That's how I feel.
Chewed on and spit back out.
I've given so much to him.
I was sitting in the colorguard room today.
Me, Caroline, Tatelyn, and Brin calculated about how much money I spent on Keith, whether it was gas or just the smallest of things.
It's around $2,000.
That I've spent on him in just 4 months.
Can you believe that?
That's around $1,000 in 2 months.
It almost came off as ridiculous.
But...I suppose...it was worth it.
I loved him enough to spend $2,000 and 4 months of my life commited to him.
Not even given the fact that I've had car problems, and that adds even more money on that $2,000.
'Cause without a car...
I wouldn't have gotten to see him at all.
So...that's just...I uno.
I would sit there
[I didn't have to do anything at camp today cause I was too emotional to do anything, everytime I picked up a flag it reminded me of when me and Keith were joking around in the yard with my flags, which made me cry even more]
Sitting there...I would just retrace every memory with him.
Right up till the last night I saw his face.
I miss that night soo much.
I miss him.
I miss him soo much.
It feels so weird saying I'm single.
Cause I know my heart says otherwise.
My heart still is with him.
My heart still loves him.
It still wants to hug him.
It still wants to kiss him.
It still wants to call him mine.
I don't know what I'm going to do...
I've got nothing...
Nothing but my tears.
As it continues, August 7th.
I had a nice conversation with Lauren.
[Keith's ex from Ohio]
She explained to me how she felt.
It was almost like talking to myself.
We agreed on so much.
I found myself reading some of her old blogs today.
Blogs about her and Keith.
Blogs about when he broke up with her.
It made me cry.
To know that someone else went through what I am right now.
No one deserves that.
And I come online today.
Checked my myspace.
And come to see that Jeffye is Keith's #1.
My heart literally hit the floor.
It made me think about things.
What if the real reason Keith broke up with me was for her.
They had hung out alot lately.
I know what kind of person she is.
She never liked me.
Even before I met Keith.
Me and Jeffye had our tifts.
When I saw her placed before his best friend.
The place I was just barely a week ago.
It made me feel like he lied to me.
Maybe he thought it'd be better if I didn't know that he was having feelings for her again.
They're not together..at least as far as I know.
But they're spending an awful lot of time together.
[My friend asked him if they were planning on getting back together and his responce was 'I dunno...how am I suppose to know those kinda things']
It almost makes me wish that she'd screw him over again.
Prove to him that he lost a great thing with me just to go after nothing with her.
There are so many things I could say about her..
But it wouldn't help.
Nothing could help how I feel right now.
It seems like he grew tired of me.
I told his best friend, Ryan before that I was scared that Keith would spend too much time with Lianne and he'd eventually start liking her.
I guess I spent all my time worrying about Lianne that I was blind to worrying about Jeffye.
I almost feel stupid.
I do feel stupid.
Even though I was almost to the point of getting over things.
It's all coming back.
Back to it all.
Back to the crying.
Back to the regrets.
Back to everything.
There really is no reason for anyone to hurt anyone else like that.
You don't play around with words.
The words 'I Love You.'
Are NEVER ment to be toyed with.
You don't say them and not mean it forever.
'I Love You' is meant to last forever.
If you don't want it forever.
Then you shouldn't say it.
You shouldn't even bother with it.
It's just toying with other peoples hearts.
Cause what if the person you say it to really loves you?
If you don't love them.
How is that going to make them feel in the end?
It's just not right.
I don't care how much thought you have about loving someone.
You can't just think you love them.
That just leads to you using them.
[Which me and Lauren both agreed on last night]
Everyone can tell when they're really in love.
When it's true love.
A heart tells no lies.
I just wish Keith would have realised that.
Instead of just thinking or admitting he loved me.
He should have known it.
His heart would have told him.
Everytime I asked him about what his heart was saying.
He'd say he didn't know.
He couldn't look me in the face and tell me he wanted to be with me forever.
If a guy can't do that.
Then he's not worth it.
I've come to find that out.
If you can't spend a few hours having a sweet conversation with a guy about how you feel about him and him tell you how he feels about you.
Then something is missing.
I wish I would of had that with Keith.
He could never sit with me and just talk about how he felt.
I suppose I was blinded by the love I had for him and didn't realise what was happening to me.
A lesson well learned....
I just wish I would have learned it sooner.
A broken heart does no good.
It barely beats.
It barely supplies blood to the body.
If it's not mended quickly...
Surely it'll die...
August 20th rolls around and I offically hate Keith Edward Hobbs with the firey passion from the depths of my heart.
Now for other things.
I am currently in school.
School started August 10th.
It's been going nice.
With the exception of these other things above.
I'm not currently dating anyone.
Though, me and someone are talking currently.
I'm not sure where it's going.
We're just friends for now.
My family is just about the same.
My sister lives in North Carolina now, and she is married.
Her poetry book was a real hit around here.
She sold many copies.
[Anyone interested in a copy, lemme know.]
My parents are the same people as they have always been.
Nothing really has changed...just the fact that my love life has been torn apart and sewn back together slowly.
If anyone wishes to contact me about things, or just wants to talk. My aim is Colormepurplex2, my email is still the same [firstname.lastname@example.org] and welp...that's about it.